I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
