Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
