I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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