she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
