I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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