dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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