I'm so fucking centered right now
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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