I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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