Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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