I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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