In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
