Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Screwed.edu
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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