the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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