I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
