Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
