That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
