Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
