my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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