is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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