My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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