I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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