My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
