The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
