I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Randomize
