I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
