She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
