Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
