I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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