brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
