i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
