I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
