Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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