Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
