worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
