oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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