BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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