Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
