Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
