party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
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