Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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