If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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