remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
