in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
