Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
