i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
