i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
