i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
