his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
