It's a beautiful day for a hangover
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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