yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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