I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
