Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
The best revenge is premature balding
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
